I have had so many of you say how beautiful I am or how great I look and how I look more healthy and vibrant than you would think. I thank you for your compliments - they really make me feel that I am as vibrant and beautiful as I seem in pictures and the video I recently shot. But I know better. I know that getting dressed tires me out to the point that I have to lay down for at least an hour to allow my body to 'recharge' enough to do something else. I haven't been able to bathe myself for the past two and a half years - I thank God for a mother like mine who helps me do these things I can no longer do. Even with her help, I have fallen twice in the bathtub. I can't do my own hair - I can't lift my arms up to use a hairdryer because of the disease in my shoulders. I am still able to do my own make-up and that is something I really enjoy doing. It makes me feel pretty even when I don't feel well - I try to get ready and put on cute clothes and make-up on every day - because when I put myself together it makes me feel better and more ready to face the day. Even if I will see no one outside of my family, I do it for me. It gives me the confidence to face the day and it also gives me a purpose, something to do every day. While I enjoy getting ready most days, it also is very hard on me. My body gets overheated and swollen very easily, and when this happens I have to cool myself down which involves ice packs, fans and cold liquid and it takes approximately an hour to get back to a normal temperature. Even the smallest things tire me out - getting ready and taking a new profile picture yesterday absolutely exhausted me. Filming that short video in my last post was the only thing I did that day - I was completely drained after that and spent that day and the next recovering. I have become very good at putting on a healthy front, I know how to make myself look and act so much better than I feel. You see the smiling, the talkative and the strong Kayli. What you don't see is the limping, tired, pained, nauseous and the hurt Kayli. The burdened heart I have for my friends and family that I know are not saved. You don't see the sadness that I feel when people that were once my friends no longer contact me. I know that it is hard for people to be around those who are terminally ill. There are those that have no idea what to say or do so they choose instead to not even try. Then there are the people who worry about getting close to that person because of how much it will hurt them when that person passes - if they distance themselves now, it won't hurt as bad so they push me away. There's also the people that think cancer is contagious. Spoiler Alert! It's NOT. There are also the precious few who have stuck by me through it all, even though it is hard, they never would push me away. They are in it for the long haul and have shown me such deep, selfless love. I oftentimes long to be just Kayli - not the girl with cancer. The cancer does not define me. People look at me and see cancer. But I am a person just like you, who has dreams, opinions, quirks, secrets, flaws, stories, passions, feelings, friends, family... I have a life outside of my cancer. But, at the same time my cancer is an integral part of me that God is using to bring others to Him and to refine and strengthen my relationship with Him. My prayer is that through my life you can see Christ and His hand in my life because when it comes right down to it I am a sinner who is saved by the precious blood of Jesus. He's not finished with me yet, and as long as I have breath I will praise His glorious name!
5 Comments
Dad
3/22/2015 03:04:48 pm
You make me think. You cause me to consider what is truly important. Thank you for sharing your heart and feelings so clearly. You have made an impact on my life that will always be with me. You are my daughter, and I love you!
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Kaysie
3/22/2015 03:07:48 pm
I saw one of your post a few months back and now have started reading all of them. You are one very beautiful strong young lady! Your attitude amazes me and is such and encouragement. You have always been in my prayers! Keep up your strong good work for the lord! You are amazing! Miss seeing all your family!
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Barb Linsalata
3/22/2015 04:30:42 pm
Hi Kayli! I just wanted to say hi to you & tell you again what a special girl you are!! I so appreciate how you share your feelings and "put it all out there"' I think everyone needs to be reminded that we should be a more thankful people! As you have been doing all along, we need to be bringing more people to Him...showing the lost the Love of Jesus! What in this life is more important than that. In your worst days, it seems that the lost are first in your thoughts & prayers. You are an example to me and you have touched my life! You have encouraged me to think more of others and strive to be more like Him! I love you Kayli and will continue to pray for you!!
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Mindy Lowe
3/23/2015 04:49:53 am
Wow! Thank you for this. When my dad had cancer we lost a family of very good friends. The mom was actually jealous of the time my mom was spending helping my dad rather than with her! Her daughter told me my dad could be doing better if we didn't do so much for him. How ignorant! People have no idea what it means to have cancer and what the different stages are like. Your experience is way different from what I saw my dad go through. I really admire how hard you try to have a "regular" life and how committed you are to being cheerful and helpful. I know people tell you all the time that you inspire them. You really are inspiring. Most people don't pray for or worry about the unsaved as much as you do. Most people don't work so hard to make the hospital a less scary or dreaded place for other patients. I love you, Kayli, and I feel so blessed to know you!
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Lizzy
3/31/2015 05:41:53 am
I just want you to know I love you
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December 2022
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