Tonight is a night for ugly crying. It isn't that there was some type of life changing event that made the gap Kayli left behind open wide...nope...it's just a Wednesday...complete with unsuspecting triggers. It's like that sometimes, and it's okay. The seemingly mundane things can accumulate and you find that life is moving forward and your heart feels snagged on something. That something is life and the pegging of new memories that Kayli isn't a part of. It's the meeting of new people that never knew Kayli. It's the going to new places that she would have loved. Eating the latest amazing treat that she would have raved about or the new gel nail color that she would have experimented with. It's all the new things that she isn't a part of that give you that catch in your throat and puddles in your eyes. It's love that can't be shared the same way anymore. It's hard.
So many people never talk about her anymore. To the few that do, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You see, when someone you love dies, they don't cease existing...they have just relocated to another place and for Kayli, that place is Heaven and it is so much more fantastic than here. But, that doesn't mean that the 21 years of life she had here just evaporated and are packed away now. Her life had meaning and so many memories! I love to hear the memories. I love to hear the stories. I love to hear that she was on your heart. I love to hear...her name. I truly understand why it's hard for people to know what to do. On the one hand, you think that it may upset the person to bring up their loved one that passed away. You think it will make them sad. You know what? They are already sad, even on days they are smiling. Your talking about it doesn't increase their sadness; it makes them thankful that you remember. Instead of assuming you know what is best for that person, why not ask them if it's okay to talk about it? People spend way too much time assuming what they think they know rather than just asking. It really is the best thing to do. Grief laden people are the elephant in the room generally. There is always the undercurrent of awkward there and most people would rather not address it and so , they talk about things on the surface. When you have walked through the fire, your perspective changes and surface conversations are the ones that hold the least amount of worth. Speak their name. Remember their life. Share the stories and the way the person made you feel in their presence. Let them know you miss them. Let us know that you see us and care about our pain. Sit in the sad with us and embrace the joys as well. Grief is a crazy, jumbled mixture of both! I share this with you to educate you because our culture doesn't have a well-versed way as to how to come alongside someone who is grieving.
As a Christian, I know that my daughter was saved and is in Heaven with Christ. But... that doesn't mean that I am not sad that she is no longer here with me. It's okay for someone to feel sad...it doesn't mean that they are without hope. Don't confuse the two because they are very different things. Sadness is an emotion when our heart feels broken and torn...the condition of being sad. Hopelessness is an emotion defined as the feeling of having no hope, despair, desperation. You can be sad, but not hopeless. I can also experience joy and sadness simultaneously. I can feel so joyful for something amazing happening in our family and yet, pangs of sadness because Kayli isn't here to experience it with us. Talk about an emotional roller coaster! But, that is the nature of the grief journey. It's learning that intricate dance of moving forward without moving on. It's seeing the silver lining of the storm cloud. It's finding a new normal in life while still glancing in the rear view at what used to feel right. it's thousands of memories in your mind's eye being savored because you know that there won't be anymore made with your daughter. Its truly an upside down way of living and you know what? It's okay.
In the last 18 months, many people have lost someone they love to COVID 19 or an accident or natural death or _____you fill in the blank. Regardless of the manner, there has been the death of someone who used to be a part of your life each day and now they aren't here anymore. Society doesn't have a great method for dealing with this well and many, many people are left struggling and hurting. Remember this; God knows. He has experienced pain and suffering and is waiting to hold us. We just need to come to Him. In addition, we can all do better at coming alongside people in their time of loss. Step up and choose to reach in. Say their loved one's name. Don't try to fix their sad with words...just listen. Ask instead of assuming. Remember the life that they never forget. This is truly a tangible way that you can love that person well in one of the hardest moments of their life. It's a way of showing up for them, because someday it will be you that needs that same level of compassion. I would venture that none of these people expected to be in the place of grief that they find themselves in at the moment. People don't need our opinions, suggestions or questions...they need our love.
If you are in a season of grief, I am so very sorry for your loss. It is a very difficult journey, but one that God has continued to sustain and grow us through. I would like to offer a few resources to help you, First, if you are parent who has suffered the loss of a child, at any age, we would welcome you to join our "While We're Waiting Support Group" We meet the first Sunday of the month at our home. It's a time of encouragement and hope from God's Word with other parents on the same journey as you are. Please feel free to reach out to me privately and we can get you more information. Second, if you have lost a loved one close to you (spouse, sibling, parent...etc), our church is offering a Grief Share support group as well. You can reach out to Grace Church for more information on that offering. https://woostergrace.org/
So many people never talk about her anymore. To the few that do, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You see, when someone you love dies, they don't cease existing...they have just relocated to another place and for Kayli, that place is Heaven and it is so much more fantastic than here. But, that doesn't mean that the 21 years of life she had here just evaporated and are packed away now. Her life had meaning and so many memories! I love to hear the memories. I love to hear the stories. I love to hear that she was on your heart. I love to hear...her name. I truly understand why it's hard for people to know what to do. On the one hand, you think that it may upset the person to bring up their loved one that passed away. You think it will make them sad. You know what? They are already sad, even on days they are smiling. Your talking about it doesn't increase their sadness; it makes them thankful that you remember. Instead of assuming you know what is best for that person, why not ask them if it's okay to talk about it? People spend way too much time assuming what they think they know rather than just asking. It really is the best thing to do. Grief laden people are the elephant in the room generally. There is always the undercurrent of awkward there and most people would rather not address it and so , they talk about things on the surface. When you have walked through the fire, your perspective changes and surface conversations are the ones that hold the least amount of worth. Speak their name. Remember their life. Share the stories and the way the person made you feel in their presence. Let them know you miss them. Let us know that you see us and care about our pain. Sit in the sad with us and embrace the joys as well. Grief is a crazy, jumbled mixture of both! I share this with you to educate you because our culture doesn't have a well-versed way as to how to come alongside someone who is grieving.
As a Christian, I know that my daughter was saved and is in Heaven with Christ. But... that doesn't mean that I am not sad that she is no longer here with me. It's okay for someone to feel sad...it doesn't mean that they are without hope. Don't confuse the two because they are very different things. Sadness is an emotion when our heart feels broken and torn...the condition of being sad. Hopelessness is an emotion defined as the feeling of having no hope, despair, desperation. You can be sad, but not hopeless. I can also experience joy and sadness simultaneously. I can feel so joyful for something amazing happening in our family and yet, pangs of sadness because Kayli isn't here to experience it with us. Talk about an emotional roller coaster! But, that is the nature of the grief journey. It's learning that intricate dance of moving forward without moving on. It's seeing the silver lining of the storm cloud. It's finding a new normal in life while still glancing in the rear view at what used to feel right. it's thousands of memories in your mind's eye being savored because you know that there won't be anymore made with your daughter. Its truly an upside down way of living and you know what? It's okay.
In the last 18 months, many people have lost someone they love to COVID 19 or an accident or natural death or _____you fill in the blank. Regardless of the manner, there has been the death of someone who used to be a part of your life each day and now they aren't here anymore. Society doesn't have a great method for dealing with this well and many, many people are left struggling and hurting. Remember this; God knows. He has experienced pain and suffering and is waiting to hold us. We just need to come to Him. In addition, we can all do better at coming alongside people in their time of loss. Step up and choose to reach in. Say their loved one's name. Don't try to fix their sad with words...just listen. Ask instead of assuming. Remember the life that they never forget. This is truly a tangible way that you can love that person well in one of the hardest moments of their life. It's a way of showing up for them, because someday it will be you that needs that same level of compassion. I would venture that none of these people expected to be in the place of grief that they find themselves in at the moment. People don't need our opinions, suggestions or questions...they need our love.
If you are in a season of grief, I am so very sorry for your loss. It is a very difficult journey, but one that God has continued to sustain and grow us through. I would like to offer a few resources to help you, First, if you are parent who has suffered the loss of a child, at any age, we would welcome you to join our "While We're Waiting Support Group" We meet the first Sunday of the month at our home. It's a time of encouragement and hope from God's Word with other parents on the same journey as you are. Please feel free to reach out to me privately and we can get you more information. Second, if you have lost a loved one close to you (spouse, sibling, parent...etc), our church is offering a Grief Share support group as well. You can reach out to Grace Church for more information on that offering. https://woostergrace.org/