Today has been a day of ugly tears. You know the kind that make your shoulders shake, your face and neck streaked and leave you feeling spent? Yes, those kind. Mother's Day is probably one of the toughest Holidays for me to celebrate with Kayli gone. Today marks the start of the weekend set apart to let Mom know just how much she means to you. Kayli always went over the top in lavishing love upon me during this season. Don't get me wrong; I LOVE all the wonderful things that my boys and hubby do for me. They do all they can to make me feel appreciated and loved and I truly do! But, for a bereaved mom, the day isn't about what your receive ...it's a stark reminder of what you have lost. I have two amazing sons here that I am incredibly thankful for and cherish (and spoil) maybe a little too much! I also have two beautiful children, Kayli and Joshua, waiting beyond the sky to be with me also. I had 21 years of memories with Kayli and only 20 minutes with Joshua. Both devastatingly beautiful and hard and full of heart -soaking, cementing love. I am so thankful that Kayli made a "Goodbye Video" just from her to me. It helps me remember the beauty of our relationship, hear the depth of her heart and know that I made a difference in her life. I spent some time watching her video to me today. It is truly priceless!! I wish that Joshua had lived long enough for me to get to know him, hear his heart and watch him grow into a man searching to be who God designed him to be. I will have to wait to know my oldest son until that day I hold him tight in Heaven. Today, I focus on what God has done through all my children to grow and teach me.
I am blessed as I write this to hear Luke playing on the piano. I love watching him stroke the keys and see his heart completely into the piece he is working on. I love his conversations of music, super heroes, Legos and all things that 12 year old boys find intriguing. Some day, his voice won't seek my ear as it does now. He will grow into a man as he is designed to do. His interests will change, his goals will change and God will move him forward in life. This is the place that I am in with his brother, Caleb. He is a man now. At 22, his heart is seeking his purpose and place in God's plan for his life. I love when he just wants to talk or spend time together. Most of his time is now spent on other pursuits, yet he always carves out time for his family. The older they get, the more precious and valuable these moments are. I decided a long time ago that I wasn't going to squander these days and miss it. Unfortunately....many people do.
I want to challenge you today...be the Mom that you want your kids to remember. Ask yourself, "What do I want my kids to remember about me? What kind of mom am I to them?" If you don't like the answers you think they would say, then you already know what you need to change. Here's a start...put your phone down. Turn off the TV/ video game/ computer...whatever it is that is causing you to not be present with them. Be emotionally present with them and not just physically there. Trust me, they know the difference. Get on the floor with them. Read that book they love a dozen more times. Bake cookies together even if the mess is colossal and they taste terrible. Take the walk. Throw the ball. Play the game. Say "Yes" a little more often...even if it inconveniences you. You get the idea. There isn't anything in this world that can replace that special time with YOU! It is never too late to start a new routine. Give them the very best parts of you. You will never regret the investment!!
As you celebrate Mother's Day, I hope you take this challenge to heart and reflect not on what you are getting, but on what kind of Mom you are giving your kids. Take this opportunity to really think about what God has blessed you with and what you are doing with it. Make time to tell each child personally what they mean to you and what you appreciate about them. Be specific. Be intentional. Write it in a note. Tell them face to face. Call them on the phone. Make sharing your heart a priority. Trust me, they hear more loudly how authentically you live than what you say. Your kids are never too old or too far away for you to not have an influence on their life. Be that Mom.
For you Moms out there that are feeling the hole this holiday...I get it. I am so deeply sorry for the pain and brokenness you experience with this day. You know what is right for you in regards to how you navigate through the well- intentioned people who have no clue how painful the reminders are. It's okay. There isn't a standard you have to follow or rules about what a Mother has to do on this holiday. But, there is this...you are a Mom. You are the specific mom chosen to walk that child through the length of their life, no matter the long or short number of their days. You were the one hand picked to graft a piece of yourself into their life and teach them the things that God knew they needed to learn. You. This is worth celebrating. You will always be their mom. Always. If you have children still here with you, don't miss out on them because your missing their sibling that has died. They need you too <3
For you ladies out there that desire motherhood and feel forgotten, alone or somehow inadequate since you haven't born a child of your own...don't buy that lie. I cannot pretend to grasp the depth of your longings and pain. I am so deeply sorry that you are in such a difficult place. God is not limited by our finite bodies...He can bring so many children for us to love, nurture and train. Maybe there is a niece/nephew, neighbor, friend, ...whoever it may be that needs you. They need you to come alongside them in places that maybe their own mom can't. You can be that sphere of influence for them. I was reminded in a broadcast I heard today that a child doesn't have to be someone who looks like you; It should be someone you are training to look like Jesus. I thought this was a powerful reminder of all the opportunities around us to extend ourselves in the role of mom to the hurting world around us. Be a mom to someone that God knows you need and that needs you to. Be that Mom!