Tomorrow marks five years since we prayed and sang to our daughter as she walked through the one way door into Heaven. It was a moment that no parent ever chooses to face and you feel so unprepared to handle. Yet, so many have had to do this "hardest of hards" just like we have. It's an elite club that no one stands in line to join or proudly waves their membership card for. It's a silent group...appearing whole on the outside, but wearing a gaping hole within. It's a new reality that we are ushered into and that we carefully have to navigate...whether we like it or not...2020 is a tiny taste of this for many. So, how do you move forward, when everything in you screams, "I don't like this and want to go back ... before all the pain and difficulty and struggle."? You choose (an active choice) to see.
When you go to the eye doctor, and get a diagnosis of 20/20 vision...you cheer! Perfect vision! Awesome! We find great irony in the fact that this year has been filled with tribulation, uncertainty, division and death, yet is marked by the numbers for perfect vision...2020. The world has been forced to slow down, to scale back, to make dramatic adjustments in the ordinary living, to face the possibility of burying those they love. Many have chosen to spend this extraordinary year fighting-fighting against the COVID virus mandates, protocols, ideas, people, and leaders...for what? Then there are others who have spent these months withdrawing-keeping to themselves amidst the COVID virus, turning off social media, news, politicians, and even family to not deal with the great divide over what should be done...for what? The point is not to join one of these camps, the point is to see that they shouldn't even exist. We are missing the purpose for why we are even here in the first place. They have missed the opportunity of perspective in 2020.
By walking our daughter through a 13 year cancer journey, God afforded us many opportunities to seek vision and perspective. We failed many days. We got it right some days and there were plenty of days intermingled that we spent leaning hard into Jesus, because we were tapped out. We learned that we should be leaning "hard into Jesus" during ALL the days...not just the ones we couldn't micromanage ourselves. This is a lesson we are learning and still being reminded of DAILY! So, instead of sharing the sadness that we have (lots and lots to be sure), we are choosing to share what our five years have taught us since Kayli traded her broken, earthly body in for a perfect one in Heaven.
First, God continues to teach us that He knows WAAAAYYYY more than we do. We have continued to walk through multiple health crises with our son, Luke. He has had numerous hospital stays, surgeries and procedures. In the past five years, he has been diagnosed with a rare genetic condition, asthma that has worsened this year significantly, had his skull rebuilt last year and will possibly be needing additional surgery on his inner ear. Both grandmas have needed assistance as they have dealt with surgeries and recoveries. We are thankful that we are able to come alongside those people who need a helping hand for awhile.
Second, He has taught us to make the most of ordinary days. We have spent time trading the cold of Ohio for the sunshine of Florida in the winters. We have made new traditions at Holidays and remembrance days to create space for grief and being gentle with each other. We have spent Christmas at the beach, Enjoyed having Caleb's friends join us for a week, spent Kayli's birthday exploring all her favorites at Sanibel, Eating from seafood food trucks in 80 degree weather on New Year's Eve (Luke is a lover of all things alligator and squid)...just to name a few. Anyways, instead of doing away with all our old traditions, we have chosen to embrace new ones that bring Kayli's memory into them. We enjoy talking about what her perspective would be on this or that thing and savoring the thoughts of "What if she were here too?" It's bittersweet, but beautiful.
Third, He has taught us to be intentional. We have learned (and are still learning) to go the extra mile with people. Kayli reminded us all that "The only thing you can take to Heaven with you is people." So, we continue to faithfully reach out to those around us. It doesn't mean we don't struggle, or hurt, or feel like staying in our jammies and shutting the world way. We (especially Mom) have those days. Choosing God's way...reaching into people is definitely better than our own. We have become facilitators for a bereaved parent's grief group that meets monthly. It seems that the person (or people) leading the discussion are the ones that get the most out of it. So very true for us! We are a part of the While We're Waiting Bereaved Parent's Group out of Hot Springs, Arkansas. If you are reading this and know you could use support after the death of your child, please check out their website for a group near you. We run the Ohio group and are hosting on Zoom during the cold months.
We also have been given opportunities to serve through Grace Church in Wooster. We want to be available to God and build bridges wherever He leads us. It can definitely be challenging as you step out of your comfort zone, but we have been reminded that life isn't defined by how comfortable we are. We are here for a short duration of time and want to live that life being uncomfortable for Christ. We are thankful that we can use our challenges and difficulties to share the redemptive, boundless love of Jesus to those hurting around us. We have found that it is in the midst of your pain, your heartache, your "climbing of your own mountain", that God cues you to serve that person that needs your outstretched hand. You just have to remember to extend it.
Lastly, He continues to teach us that life isn't meant to be lived within our parameters. We aren't designed to lay out a 50 year plan for our life, give it in triplicate to God and ask Him to sign off on it. Nope...it doesn't work like that. We are soldiers here on mission for Him. We need to seek Him for our marching orders and then... just do it! Even when it doesn't make sense. Even when it isn't what we like. Even when it costs us something...especially then. How are you choosing to live, even now, in 2020? Who would people say you are from how you have been living this year? Are you living for your preferences or His? Are you more concerned about who wins the election or about that person's eternity? Is how you are living displaying Christ's love or your opinions? We don't pose these questions lightly...they are questions that we ask ourselves as well.
Have you ever noticed that when you see a toddler up and wobbling about that you can count on the fact that a parent is near by just waiting to catch them when they fall and set them upright again? We have spent a whole handful (5) years toddling along. God has FAITHFULLY caught us and righted our walking and set us off again. We want to honor God in the journey and remember that it is He who is carefully walking alongside us and picking us up when we fall. We miss Kayli so very much and long for the day that we will see her once again. Until then....we keep on marching!