When Michael and I first married, we did all the typical dreaming and planning that pretty much everyone does. We answered all the questions of how we wanted our life to flow...jobs, kids, church, holidays, family and birthdays and everything in between. We decided that birthdays were the day that was set apart each year to honor and recognize the blessing of that person. We implemented "Birthday Week" and our kids LOVED IT! Birthday week began the week prior to the actual person's birthday and culminated with a special meal and celebration on the day marking their birth. Each day of birthday week was marked by the opening of a small gift that had been carefully picked for the individual. It was always so much fun going out and purchasing several smaller items specifically geared towards the interests and preferences of the birthday person. It made them feel seen, appreciated and loved!
As the kids got older, they asked less for a birthday week and more for a solid day of one on one time with Michael and I, followed by their birthday dinner with our family. That special day would involve shopping at their chosen place, a meal, treats and lots of laughter and fun. This shift in birthday celebration still made them feel seen, appreciated and loved!
Birthdays are a measuring stick to mark the passing of time. They always come and show up yearly whether we are ready for them or not. They are a reminder of the blessing and goodness of God by bringing our loved ones lives into ours. That is a cause for celebrating! Before Kayli left for Heaven, she told us to always remember her birthday. Silly girl...like we could ever forget to celebrate the enormous gift that she was to us!
I woke up very early this morning remembering...30 years ago I began labor pains that would usher this beautiful person into the world. I remembered the pain of that morning and the anticipation that it represented. In that moment I knew that at the end of the enduring, I would have the most beautiful reward....my precious baby! It never occurred to me to somehow bypass the struggle and pain. It was a necessary part of the process of giving birth. You expect it. You endure it. You forget about it the moment you see their little face. It happens in an instant.
Thinking back on this moment left me feeling very similarly this morning. I feel pain this morning. No, not physical birth pains, but deep heartbreak for another year that the birthday girl isn't here for her party. I also have a heart of anticipation as I know that we will have many celebrations together again someday in Heaven. I am reminded that at the end of this enduring, I will have the most beautiful reward...my Savior and my family in Heaven! I know that I cannot bypass the struggle and pain...it is a necessary part of the process for me to have the richest life in Christ possible. I know that when I see their faces someday, all the pain and struggle will wash away in an instant. Pain is meant to grow and change us if you will choose to see the purpose in it.
So today-Happy 30th birthday in Heaven beautiful girl! My mind wanders as I think about what your life may look like if you were still here with us. I imagine you as a wife and mama. My mind's eye can see you curled up on an overstuffed chair somewhere reading out loud to little people in your lap. I can imagine you baking cookies and sharing with whomever God brought to your mind to bless. I see you sipping coffee and listening well to tales of a day by your husband. I envision you shopping with friends and laughing so hard that you cry over some crazy inside joke. I chuckle thinking about you dancing to Taylor Swift songs and singing with abandon. I see your smile and beautiful heart enrich all the lives touched by yours. But most of all, I watch your life look more like Jesus every year as you invest in the things that truly matter...people and living on mission for Him.
We will absolutely, without a doubt, one million percent celebrate Kayli on her birthday. Even though the guest of honor isn't here with us, the legacy of her life shines brightly. There will be one of her favorite meals, our family, lots of remembering and of course, a gourmet cake! We will laugh and cry and ache for our girl, but there is healing in every part of it. We are choosing to see the gift that she was to this family and never forget how much God richly blessed us with her.