I have had so many of you say how beautiful I am or how great I look and how I look more healthy and vibrant than you would think. I thank you for your compliments - they really make me feel that I am as vibrant and beautiful as I seem in pictures and the video I recently shot. But I know better. I know that getting dressed tires me out to the point that I have to lay down for at least an hour to allow my body to 'recharge' enough to do something else. I haven't been able to bathe myself for the past two and a half years - I thank God for a mother like mine who helps me do these things I can no longer do. Even with her help, I have fallen twice in the bathtub. I can't do my own hair - I can't lift my arms up to use a hairdryer because of the disease in my shoulders. I am still able to do my own make-up and that is something I really enjoy doing. It makes me feel pretty even when I don't feel well - I try to get ready and put on cute clothes and make-up on every day - because when I put myself together it makes me feel better and more ready to face the day. Even if I will see no one outside of my family, I do it for me. It gives me the confidence to face the day and it also gives me a purpose, something to do every day. While I enjoy getting ready most days, it also is very hard on me. My body gets overheated and swollen very easily, and when this happens I have to cool myself down which involves ice packs, fans and cold liquid and it takes approximately an hour to get back to a normal temperature. Even the smallest things tire me out - getting ready and taking a new profile picture yesterday absolutely exhausted me. Filming that short video in my last post was the only thing I did that day - I was completely drained after that and spent that day and the next recovering. I have become very good at putting on a healthy front, I know how to make myself look and act so much better than I feel. You see the smiling, the talkative and the strong Kayli. What you don't see is the limping, tired, pained, nauseous and the hurt Kayli. The burdened heart I have for my friends and family that I know are not saved. You don't see the sadness that I feel when people that were once my friends no longer contact me. I know that it is hard for people to be around those who are terminally ill. There are those that have no idea what to say or do so they choose instead to not even try. Then there are the people who worry about getting close to that person because of how much it will hurt them when that person passes - if they distance themselves now, it won't hurt as bad so they push me away. There's also the people that think cancer is contagious. Spoiler Alert! It's NOT. There are also the precious few who have stuck by me through it all, even though it is hard, they never would push me away. They are in it for the long haul and have shown me such deep, selfless love. I oftentimes long to be just Kayli - not the girl with cancer. The cancer does not define me. People look at me and see cancer. But I am a person just like you, who has dreams, opinions, quirks, secrets, flaws, stories, passions, feelings, friends, family... I have a life outside of my cancer. But, at the same time my cancer is an integral part of me that God is using to bring others to Him and to refine and strengthen my relationship with Him. My prayer is that through my life you can see Christ and His hand in my life because when it comes right down to it I am a sinner who is saved by the precious blood of Jesus. He's not finished with me yet, and as long as I have breath I will praise His glorious name!
I hate funerals. I always have. I hate the sadness. I hate seeing the deceased in a casket. I hate the funeral home smell. But the thing I hate most is the fake. The way that a ton of people show up that probably rarely contacted the person while they were alive and they show up at their funeral. They were too late. Don't get me wrong, the support provided to the family is wonderful but for the deceased person they were too late. People say how great and how wonderful and kind and all kinds of other nice things about the deceased that might not be true... when they were alive people would say things like so-and-so is so mean or selfish, etc. On the flip side, people say what the deceased meant to them, what they loved about them and many other beautiful things. Many times these people wished they could of told the person these things when they were alive. Recently, one of my best friends, Joy, did just this. She wrote me a beautiful letter about how much I meant to her, how thankful she was for me and how much she loved me. She came over and brought this precious letter and she read it to me out loud. She told me she didn't want to wait until I was dead to say how much I meant to her and how hard it was to just write the letter. She could of just given it to me to read later on my own but she didn't. She read it out loud to me, both of us crying like babies. It was such a special moment that I won't forget and will always treasure. So I urge you, to tell people what they mean to you now. Before it's too late. I recorded this video to be shown at my church yesterday and I also wanted to share it all with you. Disclaimer: You'll see me twitch and jerk a lot, this isn't something I can help, it's a symptom of my cancer and medications. You'll also notice my face is swollen, this is also something that is a side effect of the medications. If you have not asked God to be the Lord and Savior of your life, please do. All you need to do is ask God to forgive you for your sins and to put your faith and trust in Him. Nothing you have done is beyond forgiveness - Jesus died so that you can have life. He is the one and only way to get to heaven. He loves you. If you have any questions or would like to be saved, please contact me or someone else you know that is saved and they will love to tell you how.
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AuthorCancer Fighter. Jesus Lover. Family&Friends. Blessed. Archives
December 2022
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