Grief kinda feels like a process of waking up. Have you ever been in a deep, deep sleep and someone comes and rouses you? You know that moment when you don't even know what day it is, where you are and why you are where you are? It takes you a few moments to snap out of it, get your bearings and understand the reality that you were just sleeping. Grief is sort of like that. At first...your loss feels foggy and surreal. Then as the first year races by you start to get your bearings and understand what you are coming through. After that one year mark, your reality is in your face and you realize that you are living the bad dream that you were hoping to wake up from. Yeah, not a fun place to be at all. Fifteen months ago our world changed. Fifteen months we have been waking up. Fifteen months of growing, stretching, stumbling, remembering and missing an integral part of our family unit. We feel the loss in the everyday things. Her little brother is struggling with pulling his baby teeth. He literally will not take them out...7 teeth people! He is adamant that it will hurt too much and that no one can do it; not even himself. It has been difficult for us to understand since he has already lost 8 other teeth. We pressed him to try and figure out what has changed since the others came out. His answer? Kayli pulled his teeth for him. He knew she would do it without hurting him since she knew what pain felt like. He would climb in her bed and let her have her way with his mouth. Easy. Now?? He feels the gap and is missing his big sister. There are no words convincing enough, no arguments tight enough...nothing to ease his 10 year old heart from hurting. God is repairing his heart and mind in ways we can never touch. It takes time. A lifetime perhaps.
We went to Florida for part of the winter for Michael's work. We thought the change might be good for our family and wanted to see if it would help us all heal in new ways. While the climate was beautiful and we were there together (even Kayli's dog, Baxter), her absence was felt and we couldn't strike a normal balance. 1100 miles felt like a million and we all longed to be back to what was the only comfortable, normal, familiar place we knew. We missed home. We missed the place where we all connected. The place where we laughed, cried, came together with friends and family and where the thousand of little visual reminders of days gone by were at. During these weeks in Florida, God continued to teach us in our weakness. He showed us how to lean into Him even further. He prompted us to extend grace by the bucketfuls to one another and to love each other even when we felt and acted ugly. We learned that our needs were all different and we needed to be willing to adjust for the good of our family. It was hard. It was good. It was messy and rewarding. It is a winter that we will always remember as a time of growth and blessing. Following our time in Florida, Michael and I had the privilege of going on the "Love Like You Mean It Marriage Cruise" for our 25th wedding anniversary. It was hosted by Family Life Today and was amazing. We had not been on a vacation just the two of us since our honeymoon. It was way overdue. It was fantastic to be able to reconnect as husband and wife after all we have been through. We are so very thankful for one another and the deep, deep love God has given us to enjoy.
Here we are back in Ohio and experiencing the gap of Kayli's absence as we adjust to the coming Spring and the normal we are entering. It feels a little harder now to walk by places we expect her to be and she isn't. It still stings to not pick up that favorite little treat at the grocery store or her box of Lucky Charms. It is hard to be the only girl in the house and not have her input in my hair, makeup, clothes and accessory choices. Even though she isn't here to give her assent, she is in my heart and mind. Her brother, Caleb, has been so gracious in how he is handling the loss of his sister and best friend. He hurts. He misses being able to talk with her regarding everything and nothing...especially all the things an older and wiser sibling can only share. I am so thankful that he opens his heart to us and shares how he feels. I feel that the siblings are so often overlooked and their grief is truly forgotten about. I never want this to be the case for our boys. Michael and I want to thank you for continuing to pray for our family. I don't write these words to sound like a broken record to you. I don't want you to assume that because I haven't posted something that we are better. There isn't a such thing as getting better. It isn't an illness that you get over. Think about what it would be like for you. Think about your precious child being with you one day and gone the next. Even though you know you will see them again one day in Heaven...you miss them. Your heart aches for them. They are a part of you and that will never change. This is how it is for us. She is with Jesus and she will never return to us, but we will go to her one day. Please continue to pray that we can finish our life race well just like Kayli did. Please take a listen to this song by Jeremy Camp...it really speaks to where our hearts are at. He is enough. He sustains us. He knows. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OsccUg4TDd8