Tonight the missing is hard. Really hard. When it hits me this way, one of the things that gives me comfort (and tons of tears too) is to watch Kayli's goodbye video that she made just for me. I couldn't tell you how many times I have watched it now. I really don't have a number. It is the only way that I can see her speaking, moving, smiling, crying and looking into the camera which feels like she is looking straight into my eyes. It is very precious to me. It is amazing to me that someone could be so forward thinking to make these videos for her loved ones. She knew that we would need this connection to her. I don't know how she knew, but she knew. She was right.
One of the things that she said to me in my video is, "I know there are times that maybe you would have rather just been a normal mom instead of giving up your own life to make mine better." Wow. She was wrong and right all at the same time. I never for one second wished or regretted the thousand of moments in her 21 years that I was blessed to be a part of. Normal is truly a relative term. I really don't know what a "normal mom" looks like anyways. Being Joshua, Kayli, Caleb and Luke's mom has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. All of the beautiful and hard times have made my life so much richer and full of a depth that I wouldn't have experienced if the waters would have been smooth all the time. It's ironic really that I am struggling now to resume some sense of normalcy to my days. My life (and our whole family's) looked and lived like a triage center for so many years that it is difficult to close that door and open another. Yet, we have no choice and march on. I think that is certainly the very hardest part...moving forward. Kayli is still a part of this family and it is a high-wire act at best to try and figure out how to incorporate her life and legacy into the one we are living now. It takes time. It takes a lot of grace. it takes a lot of patience and big love. It takes tears and joy and a muddled mess of wild emotions at times. This is the truest price of love...learning to trust God completely with the most valuable commodities He has given us...our family.
So, if Kayli could read this now, here is what I would want her to know: You silly, beautiful girl...I am a normal mom. Normal moms do what I do. They love big. They sacrifice for their husbands and children. They go without because they put you first. They find joy in kissing boo-boos, rocking tired little heads, holding vomit buckets, driving kids here and there and everywhere. They cook thousands of meals, buy those special little treats, listen to the joys, heartbreaks and dramas of life. They spend time laughing loud and long. This is what a normal mom looks like. So, Kayli-I have been a normal mom this whole time and wouldn't have changed the gifting of myself for one second. I am so proud to have been your mom. I will love you always.
To all you moms out there reading this, take a minute to be that normal mom. Thank God that He gave these precious ones to you for a little while. Don't squander that time being irritated at the inconveniences of life....celebrate them. Trust me on this, there are many mamas I know who would give anything for that inconvenience right now. Their arms are empty. That bedroom is vacant. That cell phone won't jingle with a text or call anymore. There will always be that empty chair at the dinner table now. Reevaluate how you are doing with your attitude. Let Jesus come in and restore your heart and renew your mind. He can do amazing things to strengthen and empower us when we yield our selfishness to Him. Just do it...what are you waiting for? Tomorrow is a fresh day. Be that "normal Mom"