1. Be Still with the Family
*This means just offering love, prayer, hugs, an ear...not platitudes that you think will fix it. So many times people feel that they need to offer words to fix the sad. People need to express sad. When you are told that your child has cancer and you are trying to wrap your mind around what is happening; words are not helpful. We as a society are uncomfortable with sadness and try to take it away from those we care about. Being sad is part of the journey. Instead of taking this part of the process from the family...come alongside them. Sit with them (if they want this). Cry with them over the loss they are experiencing. Allow them to grieve their situation and just be a listener. Even as Christians, we know that God is in control and we trust Him, but it doesn't mean that we don't need to walk through the emotions of the moment. Do not steal this part of the process from a family by minimizing it. It is huge and God will do His work in their hearts in His time; not yours.
2. Just Do It
*Please, please, please don't say, "Just let me know if you need something." While this is true and intentional on your part, it is totally off their radar at this point. They don't know what they need at this point and so that can't possibly tell you how to help. Just show up. Drop a meal off at the door for the freezer. Mow the lawn. Have someone clean the house. Go to the grocery store and buy what you would buy and drop it off. Take other members for a haircut. Drop off thank you notes and stamps. Walk the dog. Gift cards, gas cards, cash...all are helpful. Whatever the mundane things are...just do them. Don't ask or say, "let me know."
This is the season to give to them based on their needs and not what we think they need. Just ask if it would be helpful. The family in crisis can't come up with ideas right now. I like to say, " I am going to drop a meal off for you...will someone be there on Wed?" No thinking on their part...I did that for them. We had a couple of extra house keys made and gave them to key people so they could take care of whatever needed done. Some of our most helpful people were those who did these very things and didn't invade or stay if it wasn't good. They were the hands and feet of Jesus to us. Remember, it isn't about you right now. They are in the fight of their life and some days it can be hard to think clearly. The mundane things are the ones that drop quickly to the bottom of the list. Just pick up this slack. It is so exceedingly helpful.
3. Love the siblings
*The brothers and sisters of the sick child have the hardest walk next to the patient themselves. They are not only watching something they don't understand, but their whole world just changed too. Their mom and dad are totally preoccupied, their sibling can't play like they used to and they never know when part of their family will be gone. They don't tend to get the support they need and can feel completely forgotten. We were so blessed to have had a family (Thank you Millers!!) that stepped up and loved our boys fiercely during Kayli's long battle. This is a blessing that many don't have. Take that child to do something fun. Play with them. Talk to them and not just about them. Become a safe place for them to let their guard down. Let them act up, cry, scream, sleep or just laugh. This journey is a huge upheaval on their security and they need to be able to process as only kids can. Be the one they can let their hair down with. Don't force them to talk. Don't force them to do this or that. Let them guide you on what feels comfortable for them. Remember, they aren't sick, but the illness in their house has stolen their life too. Be aware of what negotiable things are and let the stupid things go. Period. Love them big and let God's healing flow through you.
4. Never Assume
*This is exceedingly important. Never assume that you know what they are going through. Unless you have gone through this...you are clueless at best. Even those of us who have, can only relate to a certain level. Every walk is unique. Every walk presents its own challenges. Even if Great Grandma Helen had cancer at some point...it isn't the same. Now is not the time to try and identify with them. You can't. It is easy to know what was helpful for you during that time and offer it to the family, but it may not be beneficial for their particular situation. Think before you speak and don't assume you have the answers. Also, it can be frustrating for the family when lots of people become experts in your child's diagnosis. We learned to take this with a grain of salt, but in the beginning it was overwhelming. Remember this-if it were your child, wouldn't you research every possible way you could find to help them? Of course you would! They are too! People mean well, but they assume that you have never heard of this particular treatment and this may be the one that will save your child. Trust me on this. If there was one treatment out there to save my daughter, we would have sought it out and tried it. We did everything. We tried every single treatment that was available to her, both medically and naturally. Cancer isn't a result of our lack of knowledge or failure on the medical profession. It is a result of living in a sinful, broken, disease-ridden place. Period. Be sensitive to this when sharing potential alternate treatments with the family. Never place the responsibility for their child's life or death on their shoulders. They are doing all they can. I am not saying that you shouldn't offer the idea of another type of treatment, but think before you share. Is this the right time? Am I sharing information that I have researched fully and understand and not just saw a blurb about? Make time to be informed before sharing.
5. Stay the course
*This is probably the hardest thing to accomplish. In the beginning of a diagnosis, many people enter your suffering and come alongside you. As time wears on and the initial crisis wears off, many people fall away. They resume their normal lives and kinda forget about the battle that is still raging for this family. The normal never resumes for them. It is a new normal. A new doorway that has been walked through and a new house of challenges. They can feel forgotten at times. Periodically, pour love into them. Do the unexpected things. In this era of smart phones, you can set a reminder in your phone for once per week. Shoot them a text, a message, a call to tell them you are praying for them and are going to drop cupcakes off Tuesday at 2. Whatever it may be it...do it every so often. We are so thankful for our faithful few who would do these things. I remember how excited Kayli would be when people would show up with treats, trinkets or whatever. It isn't the stuff people. It is the being thought of that was huge. Be intentional. It really is the little things. One of the greatest blessings to Kayli and our family were those who stayed the course with us. They walked through the hard, they didn't push their way in and they loved us during the hardest moments. Be that person for them. Remember this-these days will not last forever. It feels like it while you are in the midst of the fight though. They need the support when their tanks are running on empty. Don't be the person who insists on taking over....be the hands holding them up.
There are certainly many more ways to reach into their lives and be love. These are some of the things that were helpful for us and made us feel the burden eased. This life is short and not every moment is ours to be in the spotlight. Be the "tech crew" for someone else. Be the behind the scenes person who makes things run more smoothly. . Be the support and cheerleader. God will equip you in amazing ways if you simply ask him. Most importantly...Just show up for them. Blessings.